Hello Dear Ones,
I am writing to you from sunny Ft. Collin’s Colorado!!! I left last week with musical gear and warm clothes. One of my best friends Kim has joined me for this leg of my journey. She has been a “super trooper” and we have had plenty of talks and walks and reflection.
Our first day took us to Jackson Hole where one of my oldest and dearest friend lives. Robbin Levy lives in a little town called Wilson just as you get over Teton Pass. Kim and I made great time however it was still dark by the time we rolled into Swan Valley. That meant the last hour and a half was in the dark and snow was abound on the pass. I knew I would have the opportunity to get my game face on in “snow drive mode” …ick!
We rolled in to a few feet of snow and unpacked what we needed. I brought my guitar in and we had a wonderful dinner and catch up with Robbin and her husband Chris.
A soft feather bed was waiting for me upstairs and I slept hard! Kim had a downstairs bedroom and slept like a log too! It was so quiet and the snow fell like a beautiful blanket.
The next day was Robbins birthday. We’ve been friends since I was 12 years old! She is my oldest longtime friend and I’ve never celebrated her birthday with her! When we were kids, we met in camp. We both looked like little boys and were a bit ostracized from the other girls BECAUSE we looked like little boys! Ha! We found each other and have been friends ever since. Her big goofy smile made her easy to love and she and I would go fishing and laugh for hours. Teton Valley Ranch Camp at that time was set up 15 miles from Jackson Hole so the Tetons made a perfect backdrop to all of our adventures. Those were beautiful innocent times that I sing about with the song called, “Sweet Wyoming”.
Kim and I stayed through her birthday and watched the snow fall in delight. We also binge watched 1883 and holy cow, lots of tears and feelings from that beautiful film which I found so poetic and eerily mirroring my life in some ways. Having only horses to travel across such a rugged terrain to follow their dreams, I ask myself, “What are my dreams” as I grip the steering wheel and face into the 75 mile hour winds hitting my car between Rock Springs to Rawlings?
These are transitional times for us indeed. Blaze and Kelly have never taken a sabbatical before, so I am striking out in new territory. A bit lost and yet, feeling like I will find a bit MORE of myself IN the lostness. Perhaps I am over hopeful. Perhaps the stories are the same everywhere and where ever I go…there I am…with all of my thinking to follow.
I took comfort in being at my oldest friend’s house to celebrate her beautiful life. All the phases and stages we’ve watched each other through.
Robbin’s husband Chris is an avid hunter and knows inexplicitly how to prepare the game he hunts. Robbin and Chris had a small gathering of close friends that Wednesday night and Chris prepared Coues deer. He told me that these deer are a bit smaller but so tasty because they eat the tops of the sage and dessert flowers. Three words “Oh. My. God!!!” this was the BEST meat I think I ever had in my LIFE!!! Seriously. I was loving it and kind of pigging out! Kim really enjoyed it too and as the night seemed to soften and folks ran out of words to speak to each other, I broke out my guitar. No amp, not wires, no microphone.
I played for Robbin and her friends. Full on deer meat and wonderful cheeses, I pecked the chords to Sweet Wyoming and watch a tear fall from my friend’s face. The “Sun Runs” made its way out along with
many others I haven’t played in quite some time. It felt healing for everyone. They weren’t expecting this at a small gathering on a Wednesday night. I was honored to be there.
Robbin reminded me that SHE was part of my VERY FIRST AUDIENCE back in 1980 when I had NO idea I would ever become a musician! I played the GAMBLER for a skit at camp. I dressed myself up like Kenny Rogers with western wear and a fake cigarette paired with a fake bottle of whiskey. My friend Gwynne played the part of the one asking the Gambler for advice and I was the singer. I’ll never forget it!
No guitars, 12 years old, looking like a boy, New Jersey girl, first year away from parents, friends, thousands of miles from home, 125 other girls and counselors listening… and…they loved it! They were gob smacked! They stood up and clapped, tears came out some of their eyes, and they clapped for what felt like an hour!
It was right then and there; the applause of these new friends filled EVERY aching hole that ever went neglected in my childhood. I felt their love shining back at me! That moment stretches out in time in my mind. This was my first audience and I had forgotten until Robbin reminded me on her birthday. I never understood then, my little 12 year old self made an impact on others…all I knew is that I loved this feeling. I tucked it away and secretly wanted more of that feeling…someday.
This small tiny “whisper” that followed me through all of my jobs in my 20’s, through a marriage, a divorce, the death of myself over and over again and into a birth by playing guitar and writing “Despite the Dents”. It whispered to me through the sage brush, it called me to press my achy fingers to the strings hoping for a clear chord sound. Music gave my life meaning and I was born new when I sang the Gambler that night, and I chased that dream…across my own “frontier”. I have been
shot by the arrows of love indeed. Bitten by the rattle snakes of change. I have endured my own scalping of the mind. I have gone hungry and doubted, I have witnessed beauty in the simple things and have been touched by people’s open hearts. I have made my way to the “Oregon territories” and have gone further than I thought I would.
What’s mine to do…now that I am taking a breath, taking a rest? What is it that this soul needs to find, to shine, to dance with the divine? I’ll know it when I feel it. It will come in a whisper like it has so many times. I’ve tried to be courageous and answer to its call, regardless of the “hobbles” that may have kept me in place. People want to hold you in the light that they see you. They want you to stay in the pasture that they are familiar. And it is only YOU that can undo the hobbles and travel in other pastures and valleys, if you choose. Life is a journey, and I am the song…and so are you!
Enjoy the pictures, and the movie of the slam poetry I did in downtown Ft. Collins. My song-writing friend Dana took us to an open mic poetry night. I had nothing prepared and always wondered if I could go make stuff up..so, in a new town, why not try it. Everyone else aside from Dana and I had notebooks they read from or a phone screen they read from. We completely ad-libbed. It was fun. Got my heart pattering.
poetry 1
poetry 2
I hope your holiday season is a beautiful one! Keep warm and be well. Thanks for being aboard this journey with us, we appreciate you!
Nic, Mo & Juno
