Hello Sweet Friends!
That month went WAYYYY quick! Probably due to the fact that we took a few weeks off and did some traveling. Our last blog was about our trip to Cambria CA, and the big thing this month was having some solo time for each of us and my journey down to Green Valley Arizona.
I have a sweet friend Rhea, who moved down there last year this time. She is in her 70’s and has been quite a “life-mentor” for me throughout my years. She has been having some health issues and I really wanted to catch up with her and spend some quality time. She is very into the Buddhist philosophy so we did quite a bit of meditation. I was honored to sit in, what I call “Rhea’s Star Ship”, and have all sorts of journeys in my mind! Wow! What a trip! I not only went to Arizona, I experienced some really cool Zen place of the mind! It was quite a treat!
We did a group meditation outside one day. Arizona is BEAUTIFUL this time of year and Green Valley is located about 30 minutes south of Tucson. This is a 55 and older town, so I was the youngest of everyone in the group. Something about being in a group of older folks who have all this wisdom and a life mostly behind them and are practicing being in the moment, was super powerful!
We did a guided meditation for the first 15 minutes and then the next 45 was “quiet”, but it really wasn’t quiet. It was fantastic! First, the lawn mowers, and grass blowers and everything in the WORLD made noise. I found myself going up up up beyond the noise. I was thankful in that moment that I have a bit of a hearing disability and I quieted my thoughts and mind and made space for the noise to simply be there.
After about 15 minutes of this, I noted that the motor noise drifted away and the BIRDS took over! This was quite fascinating for me as I don’t really get the privilege of HEARING many birds. So with my eyes shut, I’m out in “space” rising ABOVE my thoughts and listening to these beautiful birds singing their songs. Of course my mind would come back from time to time saying, “Wow, I hear that? How close are they?”. They felt like they were INSIDE the circle! The Ravens were calling, having quite a conversation, back and forth, back and forth and it was so cool! There were 2-3 times I SWEAR the raven flew right through our circle! I could actually HEAR its wings! I’ve NEVER heard that before! Maybe with a flock of geese flying super low but I have never heard a single birds wings flap. I don’t know if it was the meditation drawing my senses out further or what, but it was MAGICAL!
And of course all the others in the group heard it as well and smiles beamed when we all opened our eyes! My trip was an introspective one. A lot of inside travel for me and a chance to “get to know myself” even deeper. This was rare for me. Mo and I are rarely apart. We spend 24/7 together and the cool part is, we like each other enough to do that! Ha ha! But there is something super special about having our own time away from “our person” to reflect on our own self. I am absolutely the WORST at this! Ha ha! I find I “outsource” myself, my energy, my time, my attention to others almost constantly! I have been really looking at this because, I KNOW it’s a factor that can take me away from creating a song and musing along.
When I go back in time, I note my most loneliest and alone moments in my life produced the most writing. Now, I have many irons in the fire constantly! Lots of booking, admin., practice, shows, streams, logistics, correspondence, music biz stuff…then household stuff, dog, relationships, self-care, work-out, etc. how does “song-writing” become the LAST thing I put my attention to instead of the FIRST thing? So, you can see the inner struggle and my annoyance with myself LOL! I have been quite the PRO at just observing these days! Just WATCHING myself, my choices, the “gravity” of what I am typically drawn to.
First one must SEE before they can SHIFT! Right? So this winter I’ve made it a practice to NOTICE what and WHY I do the things I do. What am I getting out of each thing I’m doing? What propels me to do that thing? What is my CRAVE? What is my YEARNING? What is YOURS? Have you ever thought about this? I wish I could hear your answers and do feel free to message me if you ever have reactions to my blogs! I absolutely LOVE hearing from you!
So…there is an “inner BLAZE” going on…ha! And I mean this on MANY levels. There is a fire lit in my heart for one, noticing all the love in my life and this inner journey. And then….there are hot flashes! Oh God, here I go! And I’m not saying that older women in my life have betrayed me! Big Laugh! But what in the absolute fuck?! And men who read this, my apologies but maybe you will find it interesting or at lease amusing. I had NO DAMN IDEA how much menopause would affect me! And plainly…it SUCKS! I am struggling for acceptance of it! I’ve noted NO ONE freaking TALKS about it! So how in the HELL am I supposed to KNOW anything of this crazy stage I’m in!
We women keep this under wraps and it is an inner HELL for me right now! First of all, I’m sure my brain chemistry is having its field day! I am fortunate I still feel pretty positive, despite the BLOATING and weight gain. I do smell the “cigar smoke” of inner depression however. (I love the way Elizabeth Gilbert draws out in her book Eat Pray Love, the characteristics of depression and loneliness, making the emotions an actual human persona. Depression smokes a cigar so I’m stealing it from her - no plagiarism here…it’s a private page ha ha! Credits go to Gilbert!)
Those who are in my inner circle have kindly listened to my rant about such things. I am beginning to embrace it, it’s been about a month now and it hits you…I guess near as I can think, like puberty but the other way around! Ha ha! And I know this is TMI (too much information) but fuck it, I say…it’s some REAL SHIT! Why DON’T we share about these things? What is so “personal” about it anyway? It happens to ALL of us! It’s not like we can control it. So your body heats up at random times, you feel like you are exploding from inside out! There is a realization that mother-hood is COMPLETELY off the table, and of course, that was my choice and I’m ok with that- but the body is now telling you it’s REALLY not an option. It’s just such a weird feeling and a reflective time! How would a child have FIT into our lives? What kind of mothers “would” we have been? That chapter is over, unless I wanted to adopt at 54 and that would be crazy for us. And then ladies, let’s talk about the damn body dismorphia! Holy cow! It is such a strange feeling to feel “beasty”…you know, like you are NOT going to fit into your FAT pants! But…you do! You feel ONE way and you LOOK another! I’m probably in the best shape of my adult life right now, stronger and leaner than I have ever been, but I feel puffed up – like a puffer fish! What the HELL?!
A part of it makes me see how hard women are on themselves. How much emphasis is put on how a woman LOOKS and not the attributes of her soul/spirit. What a ridiculous lower level world we can live in!? Nobody cares or pays attention to your Buddha gut more than you – ha! It’s a trip. I can completely accept someone else’s belly, arm fat, cellulite and what have you…what about my own? And WHY are we “built” this way. Of course in my feminism I blame the American culture and the objectification of women that has been blasted at us all our lives.
I was ALWAYS that “different” body growing up. Stout and strong, low to the ground (ha ha…a true “gather” neantdrathal LOL!) There were never any commercials featuring women that were athletic or buff. All tall and anorexic; what gives with that shit? I have a funny, self-deprecating “model” story I will share with you if you are interested sometime – absolutely mortifying yet hilarious, about how I was called in for a bikini shoot on the beaches of NJ back when I was in my early 20’s. Ahhh gad! Quite a humiliating story but I digress.
I find it refreshing that my niece is a National Power Lifter and can be proud of that title! I am wicked proud of her! Her legs are probably 28” inches around and SOLID muscle and she is beautiful! Hallelujah that the younger generation is redefining beauty. But here we are in OUR generation with all this BS. How do we age gracefully? And we as so-called “Rock-stars” ha ha…we feel it. How to feel and stay “sexy” as we grow into our older years? And why? What the hell is the point? The point is, we know this world is a bit un-evolved. It doesn’t look at the Spirit of a person; it looks at the outside cover and you could lose or win a gig based on that first appearance. That is a sad truth of the matter. So…as I age, I work my ass off to “fit the bill” so to speak. It’s not just about that for me. I’ve always been athletic and I enjoy a good workout because it reduces my stress and gives me the illusion that I have some control. But as a woman, when you are working your ass off and eating as healthy as you can maintain, to see the scale dip upward beyond your control, it is the most defeated feeling.
I have quipped the “bloat” with some Chinese herbs and essential oils and I am coming into some homeostasis, but wowsa what a journey. I have also noted that this is a point in a woman’s life where emotionally she asks the question she’s never been allowed to ask (at least in my case) “What about me?” You know, that question is “illegal” for women! Men get to have that question when they come out of the womb, but women are made to feel shame when they ask that question. To think of yourself is a “selfish” thing! Wow! How in the hell…who set that up? These awarenesses are priceless and they are happening more and more as I turn inward and observe and grow.
I have recently been listening to a pod-cast I would love to share with you, particularly the ladies although evolved men could find it interesting. It’s called, “We Can Do Hard Things” hosted by Glennon Doyle. I love the topics they cover and the thoughtful ways these ladies discuss these topics. Check it out if you would like. I listen to that during my workouts so I get a brain training AND a body workout. I have found this year, it has been a challenge to make a space just for myself and hour a day somehow. I know that seems crazy because it looks like Mo and I “have the life” on the outside. Like all we do is sit back until the next show ha! But it takes the entire week of all the in betweening to put on such a show and deliver the energy. It’s like serving up a Thanksgiving dinner, there is a lot of preparation that goes into it! Ya know, and sometimes we cook the damn bird too long and it winds up dry. We don’t get it right every show but we strive for that.
I would also like you to know, I have another song in the can that I just wrote recently…so I have 2 for you! However that being said, I’m sitting on them for a bit longer. I don’t know why exactly, but that is my feeling. I like my “little birds” to be with me for a bit. I get to feed them and make them stronger and put music to them better and then let them fly. They fly out there to land in the consciousness of others, then they take up space in others minds and become “themselves” and they aren’t really “mine” anymore. The relationship with my songs become different when they are introduced to others and not kept to myself. There is a loss and a gain to it all and since I’ve slowed down and am learning to love myself, I’m keeping them for just a bit longer. I’m enjoying them and relishing in what they have to teach me. That’s it really. It’s not to keep them from you but it’s to help me get what I need from them before they go “live” out into the world. I enjoy that feeling of anticipation and excitement about a new song. I’m not ready for the bubble to be popped by someone’s opinion of the song. I hope that makes sense.
My website link to add new VIP blogs has been breaking down and giving me grief too. Squarespace has of course upgraded so with that, everything is sideways and harder to post, so things are taking longer and have been more difficult. I’m thankful for your patience on the content. Mo and I scanned all the songs we have posted and discovered that we indeed did NOT have “Girl Crush” on the VIP! How in the hell did we miss this? I think I banked it and produced it and THOUGHT I posted it, but had not…sooo….enjoy our version of Little BigTown’s “Girl Crush”. Merry Christmas Dede!!! I adore this song and love that Mo takes the lead on it! I love the spin we do with driving the song in a passionate way! I hope you enjoy!
We hope you have a beautiful holiday season full of love and light and positivity. I know there are many things to be in the trenches of life, but I hope you place those things to the side and focus on what brings you joy this season. I know I share some uncomfortable topics perhaps for some of you, but I also hope you can appreciate the vulnerability for which they are shared. Thank you for embarking in our journey and for participating in this personal reflection and inner look of “Blaze and Kelly”; mainly “Blaze” right now, ha ha! All fired up! LOL!
Be well friends and thank you for all you contribute to our journey!
Niccole (Mo & Juno)
